An important part of success in life is the ability to be a good leader. As a good leader, we must be able to lead ourselves and as well as others by setting good examples. No one will ever be successful by simply following others blindly or simply have no interest in exploring new ways. The difference between a successful person and a failure sometimes depend how a person react to situation. A leader will always create a new path and inspire other to follow the path when having difficulties whereas a failure will always wait and do nothing. Therefore in order to be successful, we simply need to strike a bold new path for ourselves and  others by being a good leader.

Being a good leader is more than simply being at the forefront of the crowd. A leader must act on what is perceive to be right. Too often, we simply accept that someone looks or sounds like a leader and too rarely do we actually look at the actions that leader performs — and that is the true test of a leadership. In order to become good leaders ourselves, we need to concentrate on actions rather than simple appearances. 

In this articles, we are going to reveal eights ways or habits you must have a good leader in order to be successful in your life.

1- Open your Eyes

Open you eyes means be alert to new potentials. “Reality” is not absolute but rather subject to constant change. Think about inventors, explorers, and agents of social change who have achieved greatness. Some might simply say that certain people are successful because they are lucky to be in the right place at the right time. Maybe so, but if they hadn’t had their eyes open for the opportunity, then it wouldn’t have mattered if they were in the right place.

2- Be Open to Inspiration

A a good leader, you accept inspiration from wherever it comes; even your opponents. The wisest leaders constantly study their competition. In war, politics, and business we constantly see examples of this research and reconnaissance. Too many times though a certain study, many concentrate on finding a weakness to exploit. If you want to a be a leader of positive change don’t fall victim to this trend. Instead, if you find a weakness, make sure to avoid that pitfall yourself. If you find the strength then find a way to strengthen your own qualities to match.

3- Be Open to New Knowledges

A good learder must learn something new everyday and improve himself in the process. This means you must continually seek to expand your horizons, internally and externally. Feed your mind with new lessons and knowledge, but constantly expand your social horizons as well. Seek out and meet new people and immerse yourself in new social situations. You never know when these new experiences will help you in your leadership role.

4- Be Able to use the Knowledge

This mean a good leader must constantly put a knowledge learned to use. This means he must look beneath the surface and able to approach a problem via different angle based on the learned knowledge. In fact a leader must have a good knowledge on the field that he is good at and at the same time seeking to improve and put the knowledge to use.

5 – The Ability to Improvise

Leaders are good at creating something out of nothing and this means a leader  must be able to improvise if no existing solutions are available. A good leader must inspire others by being able to make an accurate split second decision and as such he must be able to improvise intelligently. Remember, not all problem has a fixed answerand a good leaders nust have the ability to attempt a problem from many different angle.

6- Inspire Happiness

A leader must inspire his followers and make them happy.  If you make it a point to be thoughtful and caring for your follower, soon this thoughtful, caring behavior will become a habit and that habit will spread to the others around you. Making your follower happy also feeds your own personal happiness. Just imagine how much better the world would be if we all did a little bit more to spread happiness as a leader.

7- Help for All

A leader will always offer help, even if there’s no apparent advantage to him. Offer help here means more than writing a check. It means giving of your time and energy and yourself to someone who needed the help. A leader inspire  not only by helping the ones he knows but also someone he does not know and most importantly expect nothing in return.

8- Be Positive

Finally, never let negativity be your last word on the subject. If your final words are negative than no matter how hopeful you may be about the potential of a project or action the lasting impression you give to others is one of negativity. Accentuate the positive and you are more likely to see a positive outcome.

If you follow these eight essentials of being a good leader not only you will be a better leader but  you will also lead yourself to be a more successful person in the society.

Before thinking about how to be more creative, let me begin point out some real barriers that some people seem to have when wanting to enhance creativity, have a think if any of these things are applicable to you and your life;

1. Lack of time. This is not as major as you may think. Linking thoughts and ideas only takes seconds. It can happen anytime, anywhere. Provided you are in the right state and pay attention to your own experience.

Creativity in my opinion is more about the quality of the time you have and being receptive to yourself. Though this does take some time.

2. Fear of being judged. When I worked for a national newspaper and we had brainstorming sessions, individuals were often scared of expressing ideas. Creativity results in unusual ideas and perhaps even being different in some way. They can be thought of as strange, odd or challenging. Fear of being considered weird, stupid or just different often kills creativity. If I feared people thinking any of those things about me, I would not bother getting out of bed in the mornings; I love the fact that people think I am all of those things!!

3. Lack of self-esteem. When you do something creative, you go beyond the bounds of what has been safe and familiar in the past, to yourself and maybe even others. When you are not sure about yourself, being different in any way can feel risky or make you feel vulnerable. The danger is that you give up your new insight to just blend in. Smash out of those shackles!

4. Fear of failure. This inhibits us. If you are making a new connection in your brain there can be no inherent “right” or “wrong” about it. Failure can only have two meanings really; firstly, that it didn’t work in the way you wanted it to. Secondly, Someone else did not like it. But so what??!! I have to tell you all that I get many comments on how I generate so many successful projects and am often asked how I do it. I always point out that these projects are actually only about 10% of what I have imagined. The other 90% didn’t work or didn’t get out of my brain.

Creativity is not reserved for genius only. Einstein was brilliant but he is not necessarily the best model of creativity for us. You do not need specialist expertise to be creative. The fruits of your creativity may manifest in many, many differing ways, in fact I expect so.

If at any time you doubt your ability to be creative, remind yourself that several times every night you create an entirely new dream, which you script, act in and watch, which involves all your senses and has effects that can last long after they are over. This creation is so very effortless most people don’t even recognise it as such.

How to be more creative.

Ok, so how does one actually go about getting more creative. Let me give you some ideas;

1. Find the right frame of mind. Explore what states you associate with being creative. Discover properly what it is that triggers and maintains you being creative. What’s your best time of day? The best environment? Do you need to be alone or with others or alone in the midst of others? Do you need sounds or silence or background sounds? Build a profile of your creativity state, then make time and space for it on a regular basis instead of waiting for some divine intervention and for it to just happen on its own.

2. Cultivate dreaming. Pay attention to your experience of life and attention to your existing creativity rather than dismissing day-dreams and dreams. Don’t allow yourself to waste what you may already be discovering by ignoring it.

3. Ask yourself “What if?” and “What else?” and “How else?” Always go beyond what you fist thought, find more and more different ideas.

4. When and/or if you hit a problem, pretend your usual solution is not available. This can work in many different ways. If your PC crashes today, how else might you do your work? If you usually argue face to face, what would happen if you wrote your feelings down instead? Some solutions may be no better than the ones you’re used to: others may offer you brilliant new opportunities. Do something different. I wrote about that idea in an earlier article entitled Do something Different, go check it out.

5. See how many different results you can get with the same ingredients. I am sure many of you know that there is a cookbook called “Recipes 1-2-3″ by Rozanne Gold, in which every recipe is made out of only three ingredients.

Some recipes use the same three ingredients but different processes or quantities come up with different results.

You can have some great fun by taking an every day object and imagine or think about how many other uses it can have, you can even think about how to combine them with other objects.

6. Think of different ways to do the familiar. Change the order in which you do things, use different things, use your less favoured hand; as soon as we break routine, we move from a state where we are on auto-pilot to one where we are alive and alert. You exercise unfamiliar brain connections and help build new links in your brain. A glorious feeling!

7. Look out for the difference that makes the difference. When you encounter something that strikes you as different, ask yourself what it is about it that is so different or new or unusual. Where does the key difference actually lie?

I want to mention a strategy that is well talked about in NLP circles and that I have used for many years and that is the Disney Creativity Strategy.

The Disney creativity strategy is for developing your dreams and giving them the best possible chance of becoming reality. It is named after Walt Disney, who often took on three different roles when his team was developing an idea; the dreamer, the realist and the critic. Robert Dilts, an NLP pioneer, modelled and developed this strategy as an NLP tools. Some of Robert’s articles that he kindly donated can be found at my website.

The strategy separates out these three vital roles involved in the process of translating creative ideas into reality so that they can be explored separately for maximum clarity and effect.

Many companies have specialists in each of the three fields and I have done consultancy work with companies myself whereby I have asked different team members to take on one of the roles. You can also play all three roles yourself as I often do in coaching or business consultancy, with your own wants, needs and goals.

However, the usual way to use it is to allocate three roles to different people (realist, dreamer and critic) to assess plans or tasks. Ask someone to act as the dreamer and tell you all the possibilities of the idea. Ask someone else to examine exactly what would be involved in putting it into practice (realist), and someone to take a hard look at it and really evaluate its strengths and weaknesses (critic). You may want to rotate the roles. If doing it on your own, be sure to keep the roles very separate and write them down. I do this with lots of my own ideas and with changes I want to make in my life.

You can even use this in a meeting broken down into three stages; Each role as a separate stage. Get everyone brainstorming and being creative first; then get them thinking about what would actually have to happen in practical terms; then get them critically evaluating the possibilities.

I suggest that you have some fun being creative and doing things differently to generate more creativity. It feels wonderful and if you have found that your progress to success or the outcomes you desire has been blocked or gone stagnant, then think about being more creative in how and what you are doing.

Are you happy in your life? Many of us are not sure what happiness is all about in their life and blindly accept the general definition. Happiness in life can be very complex if you accept the general definition. As a result most of most of us are not happy because the general definition is wrong. For many people, happiness is all about money, luck, relationship, status or material possession. If you have such perception, happiness will elude your life simply because you are focussing on the wrong concept.

Take luck for example, when you say I’m lucky, could it mean you are able to get something you wish for and thus be happy for it? For example striking a lottery? Have you ever seen pictures of people, who have won a big lottery? They seem so happy but try meeting them after few years when they have spent all their fortune. You will find that the very same person is unhappy. A married couple may seem to be very happy at the church on their wedding day. Unfortunately you may find them in the divorce court after few years if they have wrong perception towards happiness. As such, money, luck, or the circumstances surrounding your life have nothing got to do with happiness. It is how you react to the circumstances or condition that gives you happiness or sadness on the other hand.

 So the question is can you be happy without the input from the circumstances in your life? The answer to this is yes, you can be happy if you decide to be happy regardless of the circumstances. In other, you can choose to be happy all the time. It does not matter if you do not strike the lottery but you can still be happy by being grateful. You can be grateful that you are healthy and alive. You can decide to smile even when the odd is against you regardless of the situation. Nothing will bring your emotion down except you yourself and therefore do not let luck or the circumstances to determine your happiness in life. All in all, need to wake up to the power you have and this power is in your hand. Happiness is all about the decision in your make in mind. You will be happy in your life if you decide so in your mind and make it happen.

The universal law of attraction can be a very effective tool to help you achieve your goals and virtually anything you want in this life. You’ll find that desire must always begin from within and the world will just obey your thoughts, actions and ideas. Here are some guidelines on how to achieve your goals as you want it.

Ask the Universe

According to the universal law of attraction,  the universe will response to everything you ask for regardless good or bad. Therefore working with this law is essential in achieve your goals in life. In order to do this you really must feel the things or events you want in life and avoid thinking on superficial things like money, a new house, a new car and etc. You must feel them instead and incorporate the things you want into your daily activities such as relationship, work and life. For example if your goal is getting a new car you must feel it by visualising that you are driving it to work every day and let the universe to make it a reality. The universe will then return the favor by giving you the opportunity to own a car in many ways which you may not think of.

The Way You Ask

 The way you ask the universe is important.  You must remember that the universe is listening and responding as soon as you believe in it. For example if you have gone ahead and ask “I want a brand new house” and believe that the universe will response, it will react with “Your wish is my command”. The universe will just say yes to everything you ask or hold thoughts to and as such you need to beware of what you ask for. Time, extent, severity and other details of your desires will be decided in your mind alone. If at any time you’re unsure or skeptical about the power of the universe, it will response accordingly and give you a skeptical result. As such you need to clean your thoughts in order to set a clear goal that the universe can response to positively.

Working on Your Goals with Action

Once you have established your goals and asked the universe without having a single doubt, your mind, body and spirit will automatically head towards the goals you set. All door and possibilities will open up to you and direct you towards the goal as long as your mind is clear of what you want.  In addition to having a clear mind, you must also state your goal every morning to align yourself towards its achievement. All this requires your effort and discipline on your part in order to receive what you have set for. On the other hand you must also not expect things to come your way without putting effort on it. For example, if you want a promotion, you should start to work for it by volunteering on taking extra responsibility to show that you are ready and the universe will open all the opportunities for you to be promoted.

Maintains a Positive Attitude

The universal law of attraction can only help when you are able to stay positive all the time. This means you must always believe that the universe will response to you positively if you asked correctly. Bad things can happen in life but optimism will alway help you to see the light in it and as a result the universe will bring you towards it. As such maintain positive attitude is important because as soon as you start to response negatively, the universe will do the same. Remember, the universe will say yes on everything you ask for and by thinking negatively, you are asking the universe to give you a negative result. So maintaining a positive attitude is important while walking the path to your goals because the universe cannot afford to have a confusing command.

Stress can affect the normal function of our body, especially if when we do not know how to manage stress when it first appears. Our mental and physical state will be greatly reduced and this will cause a lot of problem in your life. Therefore it is very important for an individual to learn to pay attention to warning signs of stress and learn to manage it before it takes control of you.

Watch out for the Warning Signs

Stress often begins in our minds before it starts to display signs in our body. The mind and body are united and as such they affect each other in the process. A mind without stress is often linked to an active and healthy body but a mind full of stress that will certainly affect your health and life. Our body and mind has its limit when tolerating stress and it often too late when the limit is breached. Therefore it is very important to watch out for warning signs of stress and learn to manage it before too late. Signs of stress often present itself as small aches and pains in different parts of our body. If left unchecked, it will lead to sleep and behavior problems, shortness of breath, or even a possible heart attack in an individual. Therefore you are urged to take note if you start to have small aches and pains in your body especially in the chest area.  

Mentally Manage Stress

Stress always starts at the mental state and if nothing is done, it will start to affect your physical and emotional state. Therefore it is important that you learn to calm the mind when struggling with stress and learn to focus your thoughts to relax when needed. It may take some effort when taking the effort to manage your stress especially when you are not trained. However, there are some techniques you can use to simplify the process and helps to learn in the process. You can always start by listening to your favorite music to help focus your thoughts. On the other hand, you can also learn singing to divert your attention from the stress. Meditation and Yoga are among the best ways in helping you to cope with stress mentally.

Breathing Exercises

 Another way to cope with is to focus on your breathing. You can start some exercises that involve breathing in and out at certain intervals. This may take some getting used to at first try, but you can focus on breathing correctly with some practice. Proper breathing exercise can help your body and mind to get more oxygen so that they can function properly. We tend to suffer from shortness of breath when stress and as such practicing breathing exercise can help us to cope better. Again Meditation and Yoga can help you in this area.

Eat right to fight against Stress

 You need to take care of what you eat, if you plan to tackle stress head-on. It is important that your body gets enough nutrients so that it can work properly and this in order will help your mind to cope with stress. Avoid eating foods that are rich in fat/cholesterol because they have a bad effect on your body. Try to introduce or increase fruits and vegetable into your diet if you have not done so. This is because if you can free your body of extra work in keeping you healthy, then your mind can focus better especially when dealing with stress.

If you are placed second in a sport, will you jump for joy and push for better results the next time or will you be discouraged and find an excuse not to join again? In life, you are always filled with choices which you can make for yourself. You may choose to have a pessimists or negative view and live a self-induced defeated life or you may choose to take the optimists route to have a fulfilled life.

So why nurture optimist’s point of view now? Optimism has been linked to positive mood and good morale; to academic, athletic, career and business success; to popularity; to good health and even to long life and freedom from trauma. On the other hand, the rates of depression and pessimism have never been higher. It has been affecting the middle aged groups and as well as the younger age group. This means that the disorder has been affecting the younger age group and can no longer be classified and a middle age disorder. This is alarming because health problem such as hypertension, mental disorder, insomnia and many others are cause by this. As such you need to choose to go with the optimistic path while you still can. Below shows the behavior of an optimist and why it pays to be an optimist.

The truth is optimists are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world. What differs is the way they explain their misfortune—its the opposite and positive way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback. In fact they see it as a feedback and opportunity to improve rather than dwindling on it. Optimists tend to focus on the problem and find ways to solve it instead of looking on why it happened. In other words, they will spin and interpret a negative event or experience in a way that helps them to learn and grow. Such people are unfazed by bad or unfortunate situations; they perceive them as challenges and would try harder each time. They would not say or have negative thoughts in their life because negativity will pull them down. When the going gets tough, optimists get tougher. Optimists usually maintain higher level of thinking and composure when in stress as compared to pessimistic person. The stay on and don’t give up easily and they are also known for their patience and perseverance in achieving their goals.

People respond positively to optimistic person as compare to pessimistic person. Optimists are proactive and less dependent on other people or event for their own happiness. They find no need to control or manipulate people in return for their own happiness but instead inspire and help other to achieve the result. They usually draw people towards them with their optimistic view or outlook in life. This is because optimistic view of the world can be contagious and command respect from the communities. Those who share optimism are generally accepted while those who spread gloom, panic and hysteria are usually rejected by the communities. In fact optimism is a trait that is sought after by all walks of life. Those who win elections or those who get voted for most congenial often look at things positively and inspire people to do so in the process.

Optimists are healthier and they live longer because they have less stress in life. Medical research has proved that simple pleasures and a positive outlook can cause a measurable increase in the body’s ability to fight disease. As such, those who look at life positively have rather good health as compared to those who look at life negatively. In fact they age well and much freer than most people from the usual physical ills of middle age. So why not be an optimist and look at things positively today?  Why not look forward to success in all your endeavors? Why not be resilient and forward thinking? Like everybody else you are bound to hit the wall from time to time but you can make the different by moving on. Carry yourself out of the mud and improve your chances of getting back on the right track.

“Don’t Worry Be Happy” is the phrase we heard almost every day but do we really know what it meant? Although this simple phrase says it all but unfortunately not many people are able to let down the worry they had in life let alone being happy. If such a simple phrase is so difficult to follow, what chances are there in finding happiness in their live?

 Having a happy life is essential because as a human being, we are suppose to enjoy life not be burden by it. In fact there is no such thing that we are born to this world to suffer. Everyone is given an equal opportunity to lead a happy life and it is always up to the individual to decide whether they want it or not. Happiness is actually in the mind and it takes only a shift in perception and focus to find happiness in life. In changing this focus or perception, you need to constantly engage or do something positive in your life. Happiness is a spiraling process and this means if you manage to shift your focus towards happiness and keep it in momentum, then it will spiral upward. On the other hand, if you focus only on the negative things, then it will spiral down and make your life unhappy in the process. . 

In our life, we have the power to make the chances we want and as such changing the focus and perception towards happiness is not hard. All you need to do is to believe in yourself and concentrate on doing what is best for yourself. Finding happiness in life is easy because it is all in your decision. Below are some of the ways in helping you to have a happier life to begin with.

1)   Be grateful

You need to be grateful to people around you in order to find happiness. You can always start to be grateful to your parent and family member for being your family. Once you are done, you can slowly radiate it towards the people around you. It doesn’t matter whether you know them or not because each of them plays a role in your life. For example you need to be grateful to the teacher for teaching you knowledge, the mailman for delivering your mails, to God for being alive and etc. Doing all these will prepare you to accept happiness in the process.

2)   Concentrate only on the Positive

Happiness means you need to have constant exposure to positive information in your life. This means avoiding reading bad news or magazines especially when it does not help in bringing happiness to your life. Starting the day with bad or negative news will not help in bringing you happiness. As such get rid of the bad information in your life before it gets rid of you.

3)   Seek Spiritual Happiness

Religious connection is recommended if you want to further your search of happiness at the spiritual level. Most religious teaching concentrates on self control and discovery (via activities such as singing, sacraments, chanting, prayers and meditations). This will help to foster inner peace and help you to focus better in your quest of finding happiness in your life.

4)   Managing your life

Spiritual aside, the ability to manage your own life is essential in finding true happiness. In fact happiness can only be found when you are able to manage your life properly. This including setting goals, planning your career/business, managing your relationship with spouses/family/friend, effective time management and many more. These are the basics to happiness and you need to have all of them before you can truly be happy.

5)   Managing your emotion

This means you must try to be in positive emotion all the time in order to be happy. Negative emotions will pull you down and as such you need to stay away from it. Laughter is the best medicine and as such you need to have a good dose of laughter every day. It does not matter if you have to fake it initially but it will become a natural response over the time.

6)   Expressing yourself

Another way to be happy is to make it a point to express your feeling when it matters. Be it relationship, family, friends or your superior, you need to voice out and make your feeling heard regardless of the situation. Do not keep everything to yourself and ended up unhappy in the process.

7)   Reach for your dream

Work hard to achieve your dream. Having a dream give you a purpose and achieving it means you had accomplished something important in your life. This will boost your self confidence, give you a sense of value and you will be happier as the result. In fact learning something new every day will also help to broaden your horizon and raise your worth as a human being.

8)   Help the Less Fortunate

The ability to help the less fortunate will bring you happiness. This is because knowing you can still help indirectly raise your worth as a human being and as a result you will feel happier in the process.

9)   Healthy Mind and Body

You need to maintain a healthy mind and body via constant exercises and practicing healthy lifestyle. Your body and mind are the most important assets you have and loosing these assets means losing your happiness. As such you have the responsibility to protect these valuable assets you have.

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

Impossible is Just a Word! 

Everyone, at some point of his or her life, has dreamed of being somebody special, somebody big. Who hasn’t fantasized about being the one who hits the game-winning homer? Who hasn’t dreamed of being the homecoming queen? And how many times have we dreamed of being rich, or successful, or happy with our relationships?

 Often, we dream big dreams and have great aspirations. Unfortunately, our dreams remain just that – dreams. And our aspirations easily collect dust in our attic. This is a sad turn of events in our life. Instead of experiencing exciting adventures in self actualization, we get caught up in the humdrum of living from day-to-day just barely existing. But you know what? Life could be so much better, if only we learned to aim higher.

The most common problem to setting goals is the word impossible. Most people get hung up thinking I can’t do this. It’s too hard. It’s too impossible. No one can do this. However, if everyone thought that, there would be no inventions, no innovations, and no breakthroughs in human accomplishment. Remember that scientists were baffled when they took a look at the humble bumblebee. Theoretically, they said, it was impossible for the bumblebee to fly. Unfortunately for the bumble, bee no one has told it so. So fly it does.

On the other hand, some people suffer from dreaming totally outrageous dreams and not acting on them. The result? Broken dreams, and tattered aspirations. If you limit yourself with self-doubt, and self-limiting assumptions, you will never be able to break past what you deem impossible. If you reach too far out into the sky without working towards your goal, you will find yourself clinging on to the impossible dream.

Try this exercise. Take a piece of paper and write down some goals in your life. Under one header, list down things ‘you know you can do’. Under another header, write the things ‘you might be able to do.’ And under one more, list the things that that are ‘impossible for you to do.’ Now look at all the headers strive every day to accomplish the goals that are under things ‘you know you can do’. Check them when you are able to accomplish them. As you slowly are able to check all of your goals under that heading, try accomplishing the goals under the other header-the one that reads ‘you might be able to do.’ As of the items you wrote under things I could do are accomplished, you can move the goals that are under things that are ‘impossible for you to do’ to the list of things ‘you might be able to do.’ As you iterate through this process, you will find out that the goals you thought were impossible become easier to accomplish. And the impossible begin to seem possible after all. You see, the technique here is not to limit your imagination. It is to aim high, and start working towards that goal little by little. However, it also is unwise to set a goal that is truly unrealistic.

Those who just dream towards a goal without working hard end up disappointed and disillusioned. On the other hand, if you told someone a hundred years ago that it was possible for man to be on the moon, they would laugh at you. If you had told them that you could send mail from here to the other side of the world in a few seconds, they would say you were out of your mind. But, through sheer desire and perseverance, these impossible dreams are now realities.

Thomas Edison once said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Nothing could be truer. For one to accomplish his or her dreams, there has to be had work and discipline. But take note that that 1% has to be a think-big dream, and not some easily accomplished one. Ask any gym rat and he or she will tell you that there can be no gains unless you are put out of your comfort zone. Remember the saying, “No pain, no gain”? That is as true as it can be.

So dream on, friend! Don’t get caught up with your perceived limitations. Think big and work hard to attain those dreams. As you step up the ladder of progress, you will just about find out that the impossible has just become a little bit more possible.

 If you say you’re in a committed relationship, what does that mean? What are you actually committing to?

If I ask some people who claim to be in committed relationships what they mean by it, they might say things like:

I’m committed to my partner.

This answer is pretty vague, wouldn’t you agree? It could mean anything. Committed to what specifically?

How is this any different than taking care of your dog?

I’m committed to loving my partner.

That’s a step forward but still essentially a cop-out. Love is wonderful, but what’s the actual committment you’re claiming to make? To feel the emotion of love for your partner 24/7? To feel loving at least once every couple days? To hug your partner 5 times per week? To live together in the same household? To have joint finances?

What are you actually saying? Temba, his arms wide.

I’m committed to having a spiritual bond with my partner.

I feel like I’m asking a Ferengi how much they’d like to donate.

Believing that you’re creating a spiritual bond is great and wonderful and all. But once you return from Narnia, then what are we really talking about here? Are you meditating together till your chakras look like a bowl of Lucky Charms? Are you smoking the same joint as one? What will we actually see of this spiritual bond you speak of?

When you define your commitment in such a vague way, there’s so much wiggle room that we could say you haven’t actually committed to anything yet. This is laziness masquerading as commitment.

I’m committed to only having sex with my partner.

At least we’re getting specific now.

I’m sure your partner is very shaggable, but this is merely exclusivity. Is that all there is to commitment? If you’re exclusive with someone, is that sufficient to claim that you’re in a committed relationship together?

And does this mean that prior to your current relationship, you were in a committed relationship with your hand?

I’m committed to my partner’s highest good.

Praise Hestia!

What’s your partner’s highest good? Are you sure it involves being with you?

Does this highest good include encouraging your partner to leave once you suspect that being in a relationship with you is no longer (or perhaps never was) equal to their highest good?

I’m committed to your highest good. Does that mean I’m in a committed relationship with you?

I’m committed to loving, cherishing, honoring, and obeying my partner.

How original.

What does that actually mean though? How does this translate into what we can perceive? You can love, cherish, and honor a friend or family member if you so desire. What’s so special about how this shows up in your committed relationship?

I like the obeying part though. Yum!

Defining Commitment

One reason so many relationships involve cheating, lying, and secrets is that the commitments are poorly defined. This creates gray areas that can be easily stretched until you reach the point of having crossed the border into breaking that commitment, but it isn’t clear at what point the border was specifically crossed.

How will you know if you’re honoring your commitment or not?

Be specific. Start by explicitly defining what your commitment looks like. What do you expect of each other? What have you decided to co-create together?

Talk about actions, events, feelings, reactions, expectations, and consequences. Step out of the conceptual realm, and move into the world of what’s perceivable. If you’re going to make a commitment, then let it be grounded in reality. Bring it over to this side of the wardrobe.

Making a subjective commitment is wonderful. That’s a good start. It’s perfectly fine to begin with abstractions like loving and honoring each other. But if it’s a real commitment — and not an airy fairy nebulous one that could mean anything — then there will be an objective side to it as well. The subjective and objective commitments are two sides of the same coin. Ultimately you can’t have one without the other.

If there’s genuine love present, how do you intend for it to manifest? Will this translate into flowers, joint finances, and having kids? Or will it show up as sailing around the world together, sharing bottles of wine, and hours-long lovemaking sessions? Or is it simply a matter of texting “I Love U, Schmoopie!” twenty times a day?

Everyone has a different understanding of commitment. If you assume your partner’s notion of commitment is the same as yours, good luck with that. It’s a well-trodden path to disappointment and heartbreak. Be prepared for that slow sinking feeling down the road.

Reality vs. Semantics

As you discuss your commitment with your partner, be careful not to get lost fussing over the exact meaning of words like commitment and cheating. The exact labels you use aren’t that important. What matters is that you focus on what’s real and grounded and experiential as opposed to getting too abstract and vague.

Talk about what your commitment means to you in a grounded way. It may be less romantic than the ungrounded version, but creating that level of clarity can deepen your connection. You’ll tend to feel more connected when you and your partner clarify what you expect of each other and what you’re willing to give.

Saying that you expect your partner to love, cherish, and be faithful to you is likely to create headaches down the road. Instead, replace these vagaries with a specific expectation like, “If you were to kiss another woman in a way that’s more than a friendly greeting or a peck on the cheek, such as if you were to make out with her or French kiss her, I’d consider that a violation of our commitment, and I’d feel hurt and betrayed.” Or say, “I’d like you to take at least one specific action each day that you expect will make me feel loved and cared for, such as making me a nice dinner; going for walk together while holding my hand; cuddling me on the couch as we watch a movie; looking into my eyes and saying ‘I love you and care about you’; or slapping a slave collar on me, commanding me to strip, tying me to the bed, and shagging me rotten.”

Updating Your Commitment

As your relationship evolves over time, it’s wise to update your commitment now and then. Talk with your partner about the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t renegotiate your commitment in a way that feels good to you both, then agree to let go with love, and give yourselves the freedom to seek out new partners who feel good about making the commitments you each desire.

You don’t actually have to commit to anything. So if the idea of being specific doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s absolutely fine to let go and to allow your relationship path unfold as it will. In that case, don’t get too attached to the idea of commitment as it relates to any one person, as it will simply devolve into attachment and clinginess. Commitment requires free choice, not obligation.

If you claim to be in a committed relationship but you don’t have a specific commitment with your partner that goes beyond the use of vague and ill-defined words, then don’t be too surprised when your connection gradually becomes something that appears committed on the surface but lacks the true spirit of commitment in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you haven’t spelled out any specific commitments, then you’re better off not using the C-word to describe your relationship. But if you still want to feel the spirit of commitment without going through the trouble of defining it, use a slave collar instead.

Credit goes to Steve Pavlina for the above article

Couple who falls deeply in love is not able to make a conscious choice whether their partner is suitable for them in life. Unfortunately, we have to choose the right life partner sooner or later in our life regardless of the situation. Below are some tips you can use to find the right partner.

Trust your Instinct

Regardless how you love your partner, your instinct plays a very important role in determining whether your partner is suitable or not. If you feel that your partner is not reliable or not trustable in the first few dating, you can forget seeing him or her. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with someone right from the start, there is a bright chance that he or she will be a good partner.

Effective Communication

A partner who can communicate well is someone who can tell you all about his or her feeling openly. At the same time he or she is able to listen and understand your feeling effectively. This type of person will make a good life partner as you can openly express anything without any fear.

Matching Expectation

Sometimes you will tell whether a person is a good life partner by looking at his or her expectation towards relationship, life or hobbies. You will have a better chance of leading a good life with someone who has the similar expectation. For example, you will indirectly live a better life if both you and your partner love traveling.

Good Behavior

The behavior of a person speaks a lot when it comes to choosing a life partner. Choosing a partner who is polite, patience, caring and understanding will have a good impact towards your romantic relationship.

Optimistic Outlook

Someone who has a positive or optimistic outlook towards life makes a better partner as compared to one who is negative or pessimistic. Emotions are contagious and optimism is what you look or want if your life.

Affection

Choose a partner who is affectionate towards you and your family. Affectionate person is someone you feel nice and loved when you are with him or her. This will ensure that your relationship will last a very long period.

Life Balance

How balance is your partner’s life, if they can combine working, leisure and learning effectively then he or she will make a good life partner. Someone who has a balance life will live a better life and longer. He or she is whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.    

Although there are more factors in determining whether a person can be a good life partner but you can use the above factors as a hint when committing to a more serious relationship. Find out more on about relationship advice at www.perfect-relationship.com.